8 Most Ridiculous Web Hosting Features

Web hosting is a massive industry with very intense competition. Companies pull all kinds of tricks and display all kinds of “benefits” to lure their customers in. Sometimes they do it with the most ridiculous and insane features that will make you put your hand on your belly and laugh if you know even a bit about internet technology.

Hosting companies have become really creative in the way they seek to attract new clients. To a lot of them, it really doesn’t matter what kind of business they are running as long as they make money with it. The goal of these companies is to lure in the “noobs” who know literally nothing about web hosting. The sad truth is that they do this because it actually works. People who don’t know anything about internet technology won’t second guess it and make their choice based on very limited information.

This means they’ll opt for the hosting provider that seems to offer the most features or the one that is “compatible” with their operating system. They might also fall for false extras, or “Free Google Analytics” among other stupid things. Basically, they are just trying to fool people who know nothing about what they’re buying and looking to get as much money out of their pockets as possible. So you should be careful about who you’re giving your money to.

Most hosting providers that offer such stupid ‘features’ should be steered clear of, because the likelihood of you getting a quality service is very low. I mean, come on what would you expect from a company that tries to lure customers in such a stupid manner? Nobody likes to be made a fool of and neither do you, I presume. So it’s time that you know which stupid hosting feature is the tell-tale sign of a bad hosting company. Without further ado, let’s get down to it!

Free Google Analytics

This is the gem of web hosting stupidity, because it seeks to lure in people who know literally nothing about websites and web hosting. Google Analytics is a free service offered by Google, which allows you to keep track of your website and its traffic. However, these companies advertise it as “free”, as in, you don’t have to pay for it. Like it was their own special feature or a special deal they made with Google just for you. While in reality, Google only requires you to sign up and you can go all out with their Analytics software. This feature is like a bar advertising that you get free glasses of water if you enter. It’s mindbogglingly stupid and even disrespectful if you think about how many unaware people they might have attracted.

Though it’s 2018, I wouldn’t be surprised if some shady web hosting company would still try to pull this off. So best be careful when you’re window shopping for web hosting services.

Support for Webalizer and Awstats

The next one on our trail of stupid is the support for Awstats and Webalizer. These are also website analytics software that you can use to monitor your pages. But they are actually fossils that have been replaced by Google Analytics many years ago. Still, there are hosting companies out there who have the nerve to advertise Awstats and Webalizer as great alternatives to Google Analytics that will give you the edge over your competition. How awesome will it be for you!

Good luck to anyone who will be trying to make it on the web with software written in 2004, and in the C programming language. If you happen to Google Webalizer, seeing how old it is will bring a tear to your eye. So, once again, steer clear of a hosting company that offers this software. They are likely looking for idiots with lots of cash.

24/7 Email Support

Wow! This one really takes the cake. If you by any chance you’ve been looking for a hosting provider from under a rock during the past 10 years, you won’t know that 24/7 live support is essential to any self-respecting hosting company. However, in reality very few offer it but that’s a different story. What blows my mind is some hosting companies are willing to go far enough to state that they do indeed offer 24/7 support via email. This feature has been around since the dawn of the internet. Well done in catching up to the 21th century guys!

At any other company, you’ll want live phone support, live chat support and they should even offer marriage counseling if you need it. The more care a company provides to the user after selling their service, the better experience they will provide. Never settle for a hosting company that falls short of hosting services or advertises absurd things like this.

Support for JavaScript and DHTML

Now there’s a next level of stupid. Some hosting companies love to use fancy terms that nobody understands, making people think that they are actually offering something unique. In reality, they’re just using it to market the same basic services you would get from any other hosting company that has their servers up and running.

DHTML is an umbrella term for a number of web technologies that can be used to create dynamic websites by employing a combination of static markup language. The term was introduced in 1997 with the release of Internet Explorer. It was introduced in the 90s and some hosting companies proudly advertise it as if it was a feature unique to their service! That’s pretty twisted.

99% Uptime Guarantee

Sure, knowing that your website will only be down for a few minutes throughout the year is reassuring. But it is actually nothing less than you would expect from a hosting service you pay good money for. Anything less is unsatisfactory, even though that a lot of commercial hosting providers fail to hit the mark. Regardless, proudly advertising that your servers have a 99% uptime is profoundly stupid, even though just about every hosting company does it.

The base of any hosting service is the fact that the company has servers running throughout 99% of the year. They are only down for a short time if they happen to malfunction, which is where the remaining 1% comes in. I can’t say that this is a telltale sign of a bad hosting company, but it is still stupid that they use this basic fact in their advertisements.

Unlimited Storage and Bandwidth

There is actually no such thing as unlimited storage space and bandwidth because there are some actual physical limitations you have to face. Hosting your website comes with actual costs, a lot of them. The company’s electricity bill is off the roof and they also need to handle connectivity as efficiently as possible. The more websites they have, the more resources they use. If they would actually give you unlimited storage space and bandwidth, you could start selling your very own hosting service to the rest of the world. What else would you do with unlimited resources?

However, there are an insane number of hosting companies that advertise their smallest packages as providing unlimited storage space and bandwidth. In reality, they are limiting both and will only tell you about it once you hit a certain limit. If you do, it could even end up getting your website and your entire service shut down. So, the fact that they are handling it this way is actually truly stupid. The only problem is that hosting providers are really vague about what their unlimited bandwidth and storage space means, so you have to do some extra research to find out.

In order to prevent yourself from being fooled by this false advertisement, always check the terms of service. That way, you’ll know exactly how much disk space and bandwidth you have.

MIDI File Support

What in God’s word is MIDI? Who uses MIDI files and why? Are customers actually looking for it? Actually, a MIDI file is just like any other type of file. There isn’t anything special about it, especially when it comes to companies showing it off as some kind of special feature. They just advertise it to people who think that the best hosting provider is the one which offers the most features. This includes features that are completely dependent on how the client uses the service, such as Real Audio, Flash, Shockwave and so on.

Support for Windows, Linux and Mac

Oh wow. This special feature will leave you speechless. Even simple card games have support for all three of the major operating systems most of the time. But what kind of operating system you run doesn’t actually matter at all. First off, you can open every website regardless of what operating system you have, because every web-page is transferred to your browser through the HTTP protocol. This is how a server and your web browser are speaking the same language. So, every web host and web browser speaks the same language and you can transfer your filed to your hosting server through FTP (File Transfer Protocol).

Naturally, anyone who is completely new to web hosting and internet technologies will probably fall for this trick. They think they are opting for a flexible hosting plan that will definitely work for them without a problem. So it’s understandable, but once they read a few articles, the effect of stupid advertisements like this fly out the window.

Conclusion

That just about covers up the false and stupid advertising tricks most hosting providers use. Having offers like unlimited bandwidth, storage space and 99% uptime guarantee are actually useful because they would have fooled me too a few years ago. These things sound too good to be left out of your advertisements that are mainly aimed at the average citizen of the internet. However, things like free Google Analytics, 24/7 email support, MIDI File support and operating system compatibility are truly shameful. Companies that show off fake features like this shouldn’t even be considered. So make sure that you read a few articles before you jump into buying hosting services, to ensure you know what’s what and make no mistakes when choosing a hosting company.

What do you think about stupid features like this? Is there anything I’ve forgot to mention? Tell me in the comments below!

I hope that you had fun reading this article and that we’ll see you again in the next one.

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